I have no idea what I'm doing
Career
Investments
A place to myself
I am a success
Who has no idea what they're doing

what do you think it means
to feel this way
to feel nothing
to feel anything

Scared the shit out of some guy while running yesterday. The sun was starting to go down and it was getting kind of dark. I turned a corner and see a teenage boy up ahead of me on the sidewalk, heading the same direction I'm running in and I immediately tried to think of how to pass him without scaring the shit out of him.

Should I try to get his attention? He has earbuds in, I would have to yell, do you think yelling would scare him more or less than the sounds of someone running up behind him? Should I get in the street to pass him? Shit wait there are cars coming and I'd be running on the wrong side of the street, can't cross because of oncoming traffic either.

 By the time all these thoughts had gone through my mind I was out of time and rapidly approaching him. He heard my loud plodding steps and just about jumped out of his skin thinking he was about to get jumped. Oh god. I felt so bad and even said "OH GOD! I'M SORRY! IT'S JUST ME!" with my hands up as I passed him.

Supposed to try and jog today, but of course I'm feeling lazy and not wanting to after two weeks off trying to let an injury heal. Plus that means I'm going to have to go back in my training schedule since there's a very small chance that I could just pick up where I left off. Also waiting to hear from the boy. I don't want to plan on going out for my run and then him message me right before I head out that he's on his way over. Hard to get ahold of him when his phone is broken. Again. At least this one lasted almost a year. He broke it the same way as he broke it last time...by sitting on it. I instinctively take my phone out of my pocket before I sit because it's uncomfortable, I don't understand how guys can just sit down with their wallets and phones digging into their asses. I should've gotten up when I woke up at 8:30am instead of sleeping in till 10am, but I just hate the idea of waking up on a Saturday at the same time I wake up on weekdays for work. I'm slowly becoming a morning person and it's weird. But now here it is at noon and I haven't eaten anything but my morning protein shake. But then again, I know if the boy ends up coming over he's going to be hungry and then I'll end up having a second lunch with him.

Perfect Friday

Roommate decided to head to her boyfriend's for the night, which surprised me since she only just got back into town today after a weeklong trip. I figured she would want to spend some time with her Stage 5 clinger cat, so it really made my night to hear that she wouldn't be here. I haven't had a night to myself in a week and had multiple social obligations that were with groups of people. As an introvert I'm pretty drained. Add on top of that the anxiety I've been having this week and having the house to myself and knowing I don't have to work tomorrow is honestly just what I need. Nothing to worry about. I can just veg out and watch wrestling. I feel like maybe I should work on some of my video game backlog, but my brain is just so drained from work that I don't want to do anything that I have to focus on too hard. I hate feeling like I'm growing out of video games, but I just feel there are other things I'd rather devote that time to like cooking healthy food and working out and reading and knitting and well...browsing reddit and I guess blogging now. Hah.

Beer Circus

Lagunias Beer Circus in California was this past Sunday. I was pretty neutral on going at first, yes even with my passion for trying new beers. I've been a bit burnt out on the Northern California craft scene, especially with these festivals where it feels like there's nothing new and I've been trying to cut down on my beer drinking since I started working out so much.

But, I'm really stoked I went. Mainly because it lit a fire back under my ass for...working out. Specifically working on handstands and flexibility.

I already work out a minimum of 3 days a week and at max 6 days a week. M/W/F are my bodyweight workouts and Tu/Th/Sat I'm doing C25k again to get back into running shape. I try to avoid missing bodyweight workouts, I'm much more fine with making plans and skipping my runs these days though.

The bodyweight routine that I started with does have a handstand progression, but I stopped doing it the first few weeks into the program. "I don't need this," I thought. I also really hated being upside down (and still do).

But now that I've seen the circus performers...I want to be able to do handstands. I want to sign up for an aerial rope or tissue class. I want to learn to breathe fire!

I feel like I always get in these moods after seeing a show like that. I've always been fascinated with performers, especially those who hide their faces behind a mask or makeup. I used to want to be a mascot for a while too. I guess we'll see if any of this sticks. As for now, time to work on handstands.

Tahooe

I'm laying in the top bunk of a bunk bed in a vacation rental in Tahoe, eating another disappointing California peach. At least I also have chips and yogurt up here with me to eat instead.

I think I am remembering why I never wanted to sleep in the top bunk of the bunk bed I had as a kid (as a sad lonely child). Getting out of them is slightly terrifying. There's so much furniture nearby what if I miss a rung on the ladder and fall and bust my face open?

But it's fun to lay up here, it feels so different. A sleep vacation. I'm actually on vacation but it doesn't really feel like it. I mean yeah, we go to lay out in the sun which is definitely a change from most of the time in the Bay Area. But the rest of what we've done has been largely food based, and nothing that is region specific. I mean maybe it's better than what's back in SF, but certainly not unique. The rest of our one night in Tahoe? Napping and Netflix. I paid $100 for this?!

So I'm making a little mini vacation up here in my top bunk with my snacks and my blogging. It's nice.